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The Power of StillnessBy Suzanne Eder My client sat before me, tense and expectant, having robotically reported the results of the journaling assignment I’d given her at the end of our previous coaching session. “So what next?” she demanded of me. “What else can I do?”
Ah, the seduction of doing…the lure of constant productivity. We have come to believe that our power to achieve results lies in nonstop action and a relentless drive to make forward progress. We plan and plot and push, exhorting ourselves to make things happen. We take action, any action, just to convince ourselves we’re getting somewhere. We don’t recognize that we’re robbing ourselves of power’s true power by defining it only as the “action” part of the creative cycle and leaving “stillness” to fend for itself - flaccid, limp and powerless.
Stillness gets a very bad rap in this culture. Most times it’s considered synonymous with illness, numbness or just plain laziness - quite the opposite of power. Yet consider the pulse of creation as we witness it in the ebb and flow of the tides and the changing of the seasons, and as we experience it through our very breath: stasis - expansion - stasis - contraction. All aspects of the cycle are essential to the whole; stasis and contraction are not less important than expansion and in fact, without them, new creative waves of expansion could not emerge. We’d be stuck on a fast track of sameness, a mindless expansion of more with no capacity for deeper or better or greater.
You won’t see this in Merriam-Webster, but my definition of power reads something like this:
We each have the power to live our life’s purpose and, in so doing, to serve the greater good. We each have the power to bring our longings to life. We each have the power to claim the truth of who we are.
I believe one of the reasons many of us don’t experience power this way is that we do not invite or allow periods of stillness in our lives; we don't honor the time and space we need to go within - to recharge, to review, to renew, to replenish. We have crammed our power into action mode, and have let stillness degenerate into mindless “downtime” such as reading celebrity trash-zines or watching reality TV or drinking wine - or drinking wine while watching reality TV! Now, please know that I have personally engaged in many mindless “downtime” activities, and still do. And yet I realize they do not replenish me: at best they distract me from those niggling worries that, if given my full attention, would most certainly render me powerless; at worst, they are like junk food for my soul - tasty in the moment but not at all nutritious.
And so I’ve consciously carved time for stillness into my life, and I’ve released power from the stranglehold of “action only” and ushered it into those still moments. And I’ve found that powerful stillness, in the form of meditation and prayer and journaling and quiet contemplation, enriches and nourishes me. It is a wonderful breeding ground for the penetrating awareness we need to make new and compassionate choices. Inviting power into stillness allows us to go deep without drowning; we can observe our fears and doubts without letting them consume us. We consciously choose to connect with our deepest truth and let it support us from the inside out.
Which brings me back to my client. It turns out she didn’t need to do anything more. She needed only to drop into the stillness beneath all the methodical doing, and to listen for the whispers of comfort, inspiration and truth that were waiting for her there. As she returned to the surface world of action, she knew what her next step needed to be. And she felt empowered to take it.
The Still, Small Voice of WisdomBy Suzanne Eder, I opened the box of goodies I had ordered from Tama Kieves, ten each of the two CDs produced by Awakening Artistry that I have listened to again and again on my journey of living an awake and inspired life. They buoy my spirits and reconnect me with a sense of limitless possibility, and so I now happily recommended and sell them to others in my coaching and teaching work. We can never feel too supported or too inspired!
Much to my delight, I discovered five copies of a new CD nestled in the packaging. Eagerly I picked up one of the mystery CDs, feeling a little like a kid on Christmas morning who just found one more surprise gift in the tip of her stocking. The title of the CD is “Trusting Your Own Inner Voice – The Most Important Skill to Learn in this Lifetime.” That’s a pretty bold statement, don’t you think? Who can really say which is the most important skill I will learn in this lifetime? I feel pretty darn good about having mastered algebra, and driving a car at high speeds on the insanely chaotic byway known as I95, and power-walking at a pace that really gets my heart rate up – not to mention the fine art of paying my bills on time. When I pause to think about it, the number of skills any of us have acquired in this lifetime is virtually incalculable. (Or at least it is to me, since I have no interest in calculating things.)
And yet I agree, wholeheartedly, with Tama’s unabashedly confident declaration. Listening to our inner voice – the small, still voice of wisdom - is the most important skill we’ll ever learn, for underlying every choice we make is some means through which we make that choice, some sense of the direction we need to go. When we choose in ways that move us toward wholeness, we experience greater ease in our lives. We feel connected and supported, sensing a deep groundedness and harmony with our purpose. We feel peaceful and alive. And perhaps most amazingly, we come to really trust ourselves.
For me, a former card-carrying worrier who elevated self-doubt to an art form, the experience of self trust is literally life-changing. To shift from fear to trust is the most fundamental transformation we can make on the path to personal fulfillment. We begin to form a whole new relationship with ourselves, one that rests on the solid ground of self acceptance and self compassion rather than skepticism and the need to validate every choice we make through others. And so I’ve come to view trusting my inner voice not merely as a skill, but more profoundly as an ongoing and loving commitment to know and honor my truth.
The good news, though, is that this big commitment can be carried out in much the same way that we learn a new skill: through simple mindfulness and a willingness to practice. We begin here and now, in this moment, by checking in with how we feel and asking ourselves what we need. And then we keep checking in, keep sensing into the rightness of our choices as we live into them. We evolve and expand our choices as the deepening awareness of who we are and what we need evolves and expands. We begin to shift from planning every detail of our lives to actually living our lives, guided from within by our innate sense of what is right for us.
This takes some getting used to. Our inner voice rarely lays out a neat and tidy plan that shows us what to do from here to eternity. It doesn’t give us a map so much as hand us a flashlight so we can see the next step we need to take. Just the next step, nothing more. And as scary as that might initially seem, it’s actually a very, very good thing. Because it arises from the truth that the very nature of life is one of limitless possibility and moment-to-moment creation. Laying out a rigid plan for our lives might yield a sense of predictability, but it denies our fundamental nature as creative, inspired beings. There is no way any plan could accommodate the infinite variables that weave together the fabric of our experience. Our logical minds simply aren’t up to the task. That’s why we were given this thing I’m referring to an inner voice – it is our internal compass, pointing us always toward wholeness.
I like to think of my inner voice as a personal connection to the immense intelligence that created the universe. Its reason for being is to synchronize and harmonize my individual needs with the needs of the whole. It understands flow and paradox and the unfathomable interconnectedness of all life. It figures everything out so I don’t have to. I have only to listen.
And by the way, our inner “voice” doesn’t always – or even often – show up as a voice at all. For many of us, it’s a feeling or simply a deep knowing, an inner sense of “rightness” or “not.” There are more than a few books out there on this rich subject, mostly written from the perspective of inner guidance as intuition. (And there’s a great new CD about trusting your inner voice from Awakening Artistry that I highly recommend!) But let me share just a few insights with you right now that I’ve gained in cultivating my own inner voice, just to keep things moving.
Inner guidance cannot be forced, but it can be invited. It will come just in time. We need only be willing to receive it, to recognize it – and to act on it. It speaks softly and requires our patience and discernment in distinguishing it from the other voices in our heads. It is calm and oddly neutral. You might think it would be heralded by lots of rah-rah happy feelings, but generally it arrives unencumbered by any emotions at all. It is pure and unadorned – just the simple truth making itself known – although it is often accompanied by an inner sense of spaciousness, peace or warmth. This inner voice will not screech at you or issue threats. (If you’re wondering whether the voice inside your head that offers little nuggets of advice such as, “You’d better finish what you started or you’ll never amount to anything!” is your inner voice of wisdom – it isn’t.)
Our responsibility is to hold the intention to receive guidance, and then commit to some regular practices that affirm our intention - practices that create the space into which guidance can breathe. Meditation and mindful forms of exercise are wonderful practices, but they are not the only ones. Look for anything that gives your linear, analytical thinking some time off and lets you lose yourself in the moment - or invites you to drop into stillness. Guidance will visit when you are alone and your mental chatter is taking a nap.
It is true that, as with any new skill, learning to listen to inner guidance requires commitment and focused attention. A little dedication of time and space and trust that it’s really worthwhile. I believe it is worthwhile, of course, but thankfully, you don’t need to take my word for it. I have yet to meet anyone who hasn’t personally experienced the deep satisfaction of acting on their inner guidance – or the pain of choosing to ignore it. You know it’s real. You know it has your best interests at heart. Why not listen? Love Me DoBy Suzanne Eder
Years ago I was in love with a very intelligent, very accomplished and very logical engineer who had everything figured out that needed to be figured out, as most engineers do. (He was also very attractive, I might add, but that’s a story for another time.) We often engaged in conversations about the meaning of life and some of its messier emotions, and I remember asking him, “Do you love yourself?” He paused to give my question thoughtful consideration, but not for long. In short order he answered definitively that he did not and, further, that he didn’t want to love himself. He viewed not loving himself as a necessary motivation for continual self improvement. Loving himself, he believed, was akin to rationalizing and embracing all of his worst qualities, and that would not be acceptable. No, he preferred to withhold self love as a means of whipping himself into shape. It was far better, he reasoned, to never be satisfied; that way he would never become lazy.
I had such respect for this man’s intellect and powers of reasoning that I decided to agree with him. (Or maybe it was the attractiveness thing that distracted me from engaging my own powers of reasoning…who can say for sure?) His view on self love made a certain kind of sense, and it reinforced my very well-developed tendency toward crippling self criticism. Now, at least, I could see that my criticism was serving the higher purpose of continuous improvement – a noble goal, to be sure.
Except that it was an exceptionally bad strategy. I did continue to criticize myself, noting with my practiced eye a number of areas that needed continuous improvement. But they didn’t really improve much. Where was that motivation he had promised would arise from not loving myself? The only part of me that seemed really motivated was my inner rebel, who offered impressive resistance to the critic’s demands. Lots of energy was consumed in the inner debate between what I should be doing and what I actually was doing. The inner conflict was depleting and I felt exhausted – lazy, I think, was the word that floated most readily into my awareness. Yet one more nasty quality I needed to eradicate in my self improvement program. I was going nowhere fast.
Thankfully, my inner longing for spiritual truth and sustenance was even greater than my drive for self improvement, and I began to reconsider the concept of self love. Slowly I came to the realization that, paradoxical as it initially seemed, it is our failure to love ourselves that gives rise to the very qualities we do not love in ourselves. Withholding self love reinforces the inner belief we each hold that, somehow, we are simply not enough. That there is something wrong with us. This belief may not be conscious, but its presence is still felt at a certain level of awareness and it is very, very painful. So painful, in fact, that we try to prove it wrong. And yet so familiar that we continually find ways to prove it right.
We prove it wrong by trying to convince ourselves that we are better than others, which gives rise to rather distasteful qualities such as arrogance and righteousness and criticism and insensitivity and blame…and maybe even lying and cheating and stealing. We prove it right by seeing ourselves only through the lens of self criticism, a lens notorious for creating grotesque distortions. When viewed through this lens, restful becomes lazy, introspective becomes socially inept, thoughtful becomes indecisive, optimistic becomes unrealistic, and the list goes on. We see and experience ourselves as a mixed bundle of things that need to be fixed or eradicated.
But the whole notion of fixing and eradicating arises from self judgment – a failure to love ourselves – and so we keep ourselves stuck in an impossible cycle where self judgment gives rise to defensive (or offensive!) behavior which gives rise to further self judgment. With all due respect to my former love, this simply isn’t logical.
And so we need a way out of this trap, and loving ourselves is the way out because not loving ourselves is what created the trap to begin with. And by “loving ourselves” I don’t mean lavishing ourselves with gooey praise and ignoring the hurt we may have inflicted on ourselves or others in that ridiculous cycle of judgment. What I mean by love is a simple and gracious level of acceptance – this is what is present in me and in my life right now. We step back from the inner conflict and stop feeding both the critic and the rebel. We create a little space to breathe. And then, with curiosity and kindness - and, with any luck, a little humor - we begin a gentle process of compassionate inquiry. We ask ourselves, “Who am I, really? What am I longing for? What are my true talents? What am I afraid of? What am I ready to let go of? What kind of support do I need from others? What strengths and inner resources do I have to support myself?” We take on the role of loving teacher and guide rather than harsh taskmaster, encouraging and inspiring ourselves to our greatest potential.
Now we’re in a whole new cycle, one that is enlivening rather than depleting. We explore, we expand, we evolve and we grow. We give ourselves permission to be who we truly are, and as we drop self judgment we realize we have no need for judgment at all. It was in trying to numb the pain caused by self judgment that we projected our judgment onto others. And so in loving ourselves – in accepting ourselves – we expand our capacity to accept and love others. We become the kind of person we really like. We fall away from self judgment and fall into love.
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